The Stories We Try to Kill

Sometimes the “stories that must not die” are the ones we wish would disappear.

As I get older and older, I realize that the stories that I try to hide aren’t the ones where I am the victim of abuse or injustice. Instead, the stories that I kill off from my memory are the ones where I am the abuser or the perpetrator.

Case in point, my sexual relations. I often tell others of how I was discriminated against due to race and penis size, but I rarely reveal how I used others for my sexual satisfaction.

I’ve slept with a number of women who I had no intentions of courting or, even, loving. The first time I had sex in high school was with a classmate who I didn’t even like. I just wanted to lose the suffix “virgin” of my social identity as a nerdy Asian.

Thanks to this joyless, rushed encounter, I was a premature ejaculator for years. The silver lining of this “dis-ease” was that I was unable to have sex with many other women who I didn’t have deep feelings for due to climaxing before we even took off our clothes.

I even propositioned a woman to have sex with me to help me overcome my problem with premature ejaculation. She agreed, and once my problem was under control, I stopped calling her.

I once heard that we are destined in future lives to marry anyone who we have had sex with. If that is the case, I have a lot of lifetimes to practice unconditional love because I am going to have to marry a lot of people who I don’t feel love for.

I’m not proud of any of these “conquests.” The best I can say is that I am learning to love these women years later because I see the suffering I caused them when I manipulated, betrayed, or ignored them. I think about them and wish them well. I hope that they find someone much better than me who will love them as they deserve to be loved.

I like to tell myself that all these affairs weren’t that bad because they were all consensual sex. But the fact that they were consensual reveals a possibility that some of these women were saying yes because they had deep feelings for me or they felt like they could trust me. I took advantage of those feelings and betrayed that trust.

I’m not sure what or when I’m going to teach my sons about sex, but I do know the one thing I’m going to emphasize is that making love requires two open hearts. If you or your partner don’t have your hearts wide open, then don’t do it.

 

 

20 comments

  1. Wouldn’t be interesting to hear the other side of the story of any of those encounters? To know if your guilt is warranted or not… Perhaps they were using you as much as you were using them? Perhaps there is no need for you to regret any of those past “exploits.”
    Our children are growing up in interesting times, as I’m sure our parents thought about us, and their parents before them. Society (it’s expectations, it’s pressures, it’s norms) is constantly changing and the world of our children will be different than ours. I think a lot of that has to do with the lessons we teach them as they are growing that shape who they become and what they turn the world into as a result. With so much focus on sex (appearance, safety, identification, etc…) right now in popular culture, what will that mean for the next generation? Will they dive into the world faster and further than we did, or will they rebel against?
    Regardless, you shouldn’t hold onto the grief and guilt of your youthful mistakes. Appreciate the man you are now, the good human, the good global citizen, and let go of everything that came before.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks, Matt. I agree that some of these encounters might have been selfishly motivated on both sides, but in our society it generally tends to be men who have sex with women who are expecting love. Just trying to keep it real. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

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  2. It is fantastic that you can look retrospectively at your actions and hope that you can teach your sons to do better. THAT is progress in terms of progressing humanity and empathy. The acts of the past have help you become the person you are and you have learned from them. That is what is important.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks, Pavanneh. I am doing everything I can to make my boys more thoughtful and compassionate especially towards women. It is true that the hurts of the past lead me to this realization. So grateful that I don’t have to watch my sons make the same mistakes unconsciously.
      {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

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  3. This is an incredibly brave and open post on a subject we don’t often talk about. It’s good that you acknowledge it, but don’t beat yourself up over it either. What’s done is done and you’re not that person anymore. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. This is incredibly deep, Kozo. I think a lot of us have been on both sides (which makes for interesting conversation.)
    I remember being used around that same time & it hurt a lot afterwards but, I also later realized I allowed it to happen because there was no self-respect there.
    This is indeed a story most would try to bury. I’m glad you’re brave enough to not let it die. ;)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, J. I agree with the no self-respect piece. Funny how men seem to lack compassion for others while women struggle with self-compassion–a generalization, of course, but I’ve seen it a lot in my work. The book on self-compassion was written by Kristen Neff. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

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  5. Your honesty is refreshing. I don’t know how long ago you had your “conquests,” but the person you described is not the person who wrote this post.

    I agree with djmatticus. I think you’d be surprised if you found out how many thought they were using you.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. So true, Matt. So glad to have had the opportunity to grow beyond that immaturity because I still know some men who are still looking for another notch on the bedpost. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

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    1. Haha, Bradley, it was years ago. Not too many women looking for balding 50 year old Asian men in my experience. :) In my younger days, I had some appeal as a surfer who looked Native American. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

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  6. Very honest and raw. I have a friend who openly admits she is using every guy she is with to hurt those who have hurt her. It makes her feel like shit and yet she does it. Please forgive yourself. From this post, you aren’t that person anymore. Hugs to you Kozo.

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    1. Thanks, 1J1, I feel bad for your friend. I have to say that I would feel like shit when I took advantage of others. Forgiveness is key. Forgive others and ourselves. No mud/not lotus. {{{{Hugs}}}} Kozo

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  7. Such courage. If I had kids I think I would also teach them that sex is more than just sex. It’s an emotional bond maybe more so for women. It’s still honorable that you’re not your past any longer and you’re breaking the cycle.

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    1. Thanks, BtM. Breaking the cycle seems to be what I was put on earth to do. I’m trying to break the cycle of abuse, the cycle of sexism, and the cycle of suffering. The good news is that by trying to break the cycle, I escape the cycle. {{hugs}}} Kozo

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