The Spider’s Prey That Got Away

The spider began spinning, twisting its endless web of questions and thoughts once again. The tears edged the brim of these eyelids, almost certain to fall. What were they even here for? Why had this darkness entered a mind so fragile yet another time? After all of the demon fighting, the thrashing, the banishing of it all, somehow it snuck back in.neon spider

This was my yesterday. A yesterday I’ve known all too well in the past. Lately, after years of being so strong, the dark void threatens to consume me. I’m determined not to let it back in. If I have to push it back with all my might and force the shoddy door closed while locking it with a silver key, damn it I will.

I have to. I have so much more to live for now.

In case you haven’t guessed it, I’m talking about depression. I’ve suffered on and off with this monster for almost fifteen years. After overcoming PTSD, and constructively managing OCD, this is my last disorder to battle. Most people that know me would tell you they “can’t tell” or “never knew” I suffered from it. Some say “You seem so positive and well-adjusted”, because I am. I’ve had to be this way. I have responsibilities now. I have a family to care for. I’ve done so well at convincing myself I’m fine I haven’t even uttered the words, “I suffer from depression” – certainly not on my own blog anyway.

It’s about time I confessed. It’s long overdue. It’s best I stop hinting. I’m doing this in hope that I can help someone. Maybe it will be some helpless teen being cyber bullied. Maybe it will be a doctor so overwhelmed from his work and afraid (because of the stigma attached) to admit it. Maybe it will even be you reading this right now.  If I can move one person to feel not so alone, I’ve done my job.

The spider spun its web. The tears fell. It didn’t end me. I’m still here. However hypersensitive to this world I may be, this will not break me. Even though there may be days like this, I’m armed with something now. I’m armed with something that was all too quiet before. It’s much louder and more powerful now. It is my voice that I share with all of you – and I won’t silence it for anything.

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50 thoughts on “The Spider’s Prey That Got Away

  1. Sweetie you are loved and certainly not alone. Forgive me if I don’t understand the full depth of depression. I do know it’s quite debilitating and serious if left alone and without support. That being said, you are so strong always offering support for others, it’s ok to lean on us if you need to, we’re all here for each other. Otherwise what’s the point of it all? God bless you♥

    Liked by 2 people

    • Maddie, dear, you are such a sweetheart. Thankfully, I’ve been in treatment for years now. It helps. Every once in a while it just creeps back in, you know.
      & I know you guys are here & I love you for it. You are a fantastic group of lovely people & I cherish the friendships I’ve made here. It’s comforting to know there are many shoulders should I ever need one. 😉

      Like

      • I’m glad the treatment is so helpful, you’re so right to remove the stigma from depression so ppl overcome that fear and seek the help they need. I’d say blogging is an excellent part of treatment, esp for preventative maintenance. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I didn’t know any of this, J. Well, I knew of the depression, but not of the OCD and PTSD.

    It’s hard to admit you have depression. I was blogging for almost 2 years before I first admitted it. It’s a huge step, but once you’ve admitted it it becomes much easier to talk about. The more you talk about it, the more people who also have depression will find your blog, increasing your support system.

    Thank you for writing this.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Until now, only my family & one other person knew I’ve dealt with all 3. I struggle sometimes with admitting it to people because I don’t want them to question my ability to parent.

      I used to fear judgement because of the stigmas attached. Now, I’m at a point in my life where I kind of embrace “the crazy” so to speak. I think all 3 make me who I am.

      I went through years of treatment & I no longer suffer from flashbacks, nightmares or panic attacks from the PTSD. The OCD is part of me, I don’t think that will ever change. I jokingly tell people “I have the good kind.” (The kind that makes you insanely neat & clean.)

      Depression, though, that is a monster that just doesn’t want to leave. I fear that without support, some day it could be the end of me – but I’m determined to fight it.

      I love you guys & I’m forever grateful for your support. So now you know when I say you’re not alone, I mean it.

      I’ll never forget that you & Rara both offered me a platform on your own blogs to speak about this. I wanted to, really I did. It just wasn’t time. With this place that Rara created, I felt it was perfect. It felt right & I hope it helps someone.

      Like

      • Every voice matters. And every time we speak of it I think we do a little more to attack that stigma.

        I, too, was afraid to admit I had depression for a long time. I wasn’t worried about a stigma, I think I was more afraid to admit that I needed help. That I couldn’t do it alone. I’m ridiculously stubborn sometimes, and that is one of the biggest examples of stubbornness in my life. My failure to admit it and get treatment ultimately led to the failure of my marriage.

        My blog is still open to you any time you wish to use it, but I certainly understand not feeling ready to share such an intimate detail about your life. My inbox is also available to you. Always. I have received an insane amount of love and support from this great community and I would love nothing more than to give some back.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sometimes (& I need to take my own advice) you just have to take care of you, my dear friend. I’ve certainly burned some bridges in my family.

        I know your there, TD & you’re one of the people that helped make this easier. & You already know me mailbox has got a little Storm Trooper welcome mat just for you. 🙂

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  3. Thank you for sharing, for having the courage to no longer hint and admit the truth. You courage will help others in similar situations admit it too, and then they will be ready to seek help. The more who seek help, the more we will understand about depression, and the more we understand the better able we will be to help people going forward. So, again, thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you for sharing this, dear. It is a shame that depression as well as other mental illnesses are still somewhat stigmatized and that people feel the need to hint. Your voice is a strong one. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Truth be told, those were my reasons as I told, TD. I just worry about people questioning my ability to properly function as a parent.
      I’m good at turning of the switch. I know how to raise my son & not let it get in the way. I usually have my meltdowns when no one is around.

      Therapy helps. Like TREMENDOUSLY helps. I just hate that there is a stigma attached to that too. Like your crazy or a crybaby if you go to therapy. I really hope we can help change that.

      Thank you for your love, jaded.

      Like

  5. Calling it a spider’s web is so accurate. One or two strands are OK, but when we stop paying attention to them (or more accurately, ourselves) then they can get out of hand.

    Here’s to disolving the stigma, one blog post at a time.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I hear you….I was doing good for a few weeks…Today my abusive boss was on me today and triggered past issues with my dad. Been in a hole all day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Triggers are not cool, but sadly they can happen all the time. I know the feeling. You’re so not alone here. There are so many of us – especially within BlogLand.

      I hope things get better for you, Nessa. Feel free to contact me anytime. Most of the lovely people here that know me would tell you I’m one to offer an ear when someone needs it.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Reblogged this on Stuphblog and commented:

    Depression takes over our minds and tells us we are worthless. Worse yet, it does so in our own voices, which makes it more believable. It knows that we will put on “happy” faces to maintain normalcy. It uses stigma to mute us. Please head over to Stories That Must Not Die to read how one woman found her voice, and is fighting this insidious disease.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Yes. I can understand this. I have been depression myself, but not hallucinations. Just not happy anymore.
    Hope you getting better. Don’t let people or life giving you a hard time. All I could do is keep my mind at peace and meditation. (Connect with Spiritual world).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes that’s the best answer. Take care of yourself. Have you ever seen a therapist? They’re not all bad. There are some really excellent ones out there. Sometimes, depending on programs in your area, they won’t even cost you much. Some are even free.

      Like

  9. It’s sometimes hard to admit we are depressed while we are doing a good job hiding it. I tried to hide it for years, but finally had to get help. Now I work to be better and not just seem better. Best of luck and thank you for an inspiring post.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Thank you for sharing this. Isn’t it odd that the thing we need (support/others) is the very thing we avoid when this disease takes hold. Isolation is dangerous. So glad you’re around to tell your story.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. I have disthymic disorder — depression’s little brother. Most days I’m okay, but sometimes the darkness swallows me whole and spits me out days later, shaken and uncertain. Thank you for sharing this — and best of luck on your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hello fellow depression survivor. It was especially appropriate I read this post today after we lost Robin Williams to suicide this week. Like you, I tried to deny I had this disease for many years, but now I’m not afraid to acknowledge it. I’ve had to overcome a great deal in my life. Not only do I suffer from chronic depression, but also PTSD, panic disorder, general anxiety disorder & social phobia.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re not alone sweetheart. It gets easier with treatment but, (as I’m sure you know) it’s a constant struggle battling all these demons.

      I think the best thing we could do is continue to try to help others understand.

      Like

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