The spider began spinning, twisting its endless web of questions and thoughts once again. The tears edged the brim of these eyelids, almost certain to fall. What were they even here for? Why had this darkness entered a mind so fragile yet another time? After all of the demon fighting, the thrashing, the banishing of it all, somehow it snuck back in.
This was my yesterday. A yesterday I’ve known all too well in the past. Lately, after years of being so strong, the dark void threatens to consume me. I’m determined not to let it back in. If I have to push it back with all my might and force the shoddy door closed while locking it with a silver key, damn it I will.
I have to. I have so much more to live for now.
In case you haven’t guessed it, I’m talking about depression. I’ve suffered on and off with this monster for almost fifteen years. After overcoming PTSD, and constructively managing OCD, this is my last disorder to battle. Most people that know me would tell you they “can’t tell” or “never knew” I suffered from it. Some say “You seem so positive and well-adjusted”, because I am. I’ve had to be this way. I have responsibilities now. I have a family to care for. I’ve done so well at convincing myself I’m fine I haven’t even uttered the words, “I suffer from depression” – certainly not on my own blog anyway.
It’s about time I confessed. It’s long overdue. It’s best I stop hinting. I’m doing this in hope that I can help someone. Maybe it will be some helpless teen being cyber bullied. Maybe it will be a doctor so overwhelmed from his work and afraid (because of the stigma attached) to admit it. Maybe it will even be you reading this right now. If I can move one person to feel not so alone, I’ve done my job.
The spider spun its web. The tears fell. It didn’t end me. I’m still here. However hypersensitive to this world I may be, this will not break me. Even though there may be days like this, I’m armed with something now. I’m armed with something that was all too quiet before. It’s much louder and more powerful now. It is my voice that I share with all of you – and I won’t silence it for anything.