Today Stories That Must Not Die is featuring its first anonymous post. As some of you know, we’ve been encouraging those that do not feel comfortable sharing their names, faces, or even pen names to send us anonymous submissions. If you or anyone you know is interested in sending us an anonymous story you can contact us here on our Share Your Story page. You can also send us a direct message via Twitter here: @RawrStories.
Even though this person will not be here for discussion like some of our other guest posters, we still encourage you to comment. The STMND team will be here to respond to any feedback or questions you may have.
I’ve seen a lot of death in my time. I’m not trying to show off or anything; it’s just part of life. Grandparents, aunts and uncles have all left this old, beautiful world, some from old age and others for different reasons. I’ve even seen a few suicides. Those are the worst.
There was a time when I didn’t know whether I wanted to stick around this sweet old earth. I can remember struggling in college and contemplating running my car off of the road. One little jerk of the wheel and all of my problems would disappear. The thing is, the problems would still be there, they just wouldn’t be my problems anymore. Not to mention the thoughts of my family and friends, how they would react to such a thing. That always gave me second thoughts. I’m sure many of them would do all they could to resuscitate me just so they could kill me themselves.
This was always a fleeting thing for me; I never really gave it any serious thought. It’s a bit of a different story when you throw alcohol into the mix though. When you’re boozed out, and stressed, and depressed your thoughts become different. They aren’t you, but they are you. It’s strange. Important things go by the wayside and mole hills become mountains. “Woe is me” is a daily mantra. The only thing that causes you to stop worrying about nothings is more booze, which is also the thing that causes you to worry about nothings. It’s like a rollercoaster, that’s only going down.
I can remember having dreams about suicide. Shotgun in my mouth, toe on the trigger. The thing is, when you’re always that drunk it’s hard to remember whether those were regular dreams, or late-night daydreams. If it’s just a dream you can shrug it off. Dreams are just symbols for other things, at times. But, if it was a daydream, that’s scary. That means I really did think about it. I really did contemplate cold steel in my mouth and which toe would fit. Yep, that’s scary. I’m so glad those thoughts didn’t last long. Now they’re just something to look back on, and to write about.
I came out of my “slump” in a different way. I accepted that the people around me love me. It’s hard for that to really matter some times, but it’s still true.
I know I’m worth having around. I know I bring something to this old, beautiful earth. I know there is more for me to leave behind then just a body.
To anyone who is having these thoughts please remember…
You are beautiful
You are special
You are awesome
You are smart
You are unique
You are loved
You matter, no matter what anyone else says…especially yourself.
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If you or anyone you know is thinking about suicide the STMND team would like you to seek help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number (in the US)
*To readers in the UK: The Samaritans can be contacted by calling 08457 909090
Readers in the Republic of Ireland can contact them on 116 123
(Many thanks to faithhopechocolate for Samaritans contact information)
There are hotlines and centers like this everywhere at various national and local levels. We plan on posting many of these contacts for suicide prevention in the future.