An Apology and Admission of Guilt

This post is anonymous…

I owe you an apology.

We met on your first day of work. You were assigned to one of my cases. I was more than a little annoyed because seasoned veterans couldn’t figure out my cases, and here you were, first day on the job, willing to take on my case. Unwilling to reinvent the wheel, I firmly told you what did not work so you could eliminate those elements. I also kept in mind that you were new, so I exercised patience.

To my surprise, you found a solution within a month. You were permanently assigned to my cases, and I told your boss that you deserved a raise. For the next year and a half, we worked closely together to make sure your system kept working.

During that time, we developed a working friendship. We had the same ghoulish sense of humor and we made each other laugh every day. We discovered that we lived near each other and began commuting together. We shared stories. Most were hilarious. Some weren’t.

One day, you told me about how you almost died. A drunk driver hit you square on the driver’s side. Your car was a mangled mess and you were in a coma. You went through reconstruction and rehabilitation. By the grace of God you survived, although you admitted it felt more like Hell. I listened, horrified, and asked, “Who drove drunk anymore?”

Two weeks later, I found out.

I went out with a group of people. When I came home, I turned on the television and had some drinks, maybe three. This was in addition to the two I had at the restaurant. I dozed off and awakened an hour later. For a reason that I can’t comprehend, I decided to take a drive.

As I drove, I didn’t feel any impact. I saw lights in my rearview and slowly pulled over to the right. To my surprise, the lights stopped behind me and I knew I was in trouble.

I failed the sobriety test. My BAC was twice the legal limit. The officer arrested me, took me to the station, processed me and sent me home. I wanted to die. I was grateful that I didn’t hurt or kill anyone. Then I thought of you and I was sick to my stomach.

I had time to hire a lawyer and prepare my case. In my mind, there was nothing to prepare. I was guilty. I had my day in court and I promised the judge that I would never act so selfishly and carelessly again.

My license was suspended. I went for counseling, reported to a probation officer, and spent five figures in court costs and penalties. The Interlock killed my battery and I used alternate transportation. I told you that I was working a different schedule to explain my changing habits. That wasn’t a lie. I had nightmares about killing people. I still do. When I wake up, you are on my mind.

After my suspension was over I continued to live as if it was still active. I fixed my car but was terrified to drive it. Three more months passed before I resumed driving without reservations.

Not long after, I took another job. We no longer commuted together but remained in contact, somewhat. Only recently, have we started communicating more frequently. You’ve mentioned your accident a couple of times and I freeze with guilt.

I struggle about confessing this to you. I’ve received advice both ways. One person said that I should tell you to alleviate my guilt. Another said alleviating my guilt by telling you is selfish. I’m torn so I’m writing it out.

Again, I apologize with all my being for mirroring the actions of someone who almost killed you. That night, that someone could have been me.


8 thoughts on “An Apology and Admission of Guilt

  1. You have already had your lesson. Telling someone the truth is not selfish. It will put things right between you. So just do it. All will be fine.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. I’m glad to hear both you and your friend survived and that you didn’t hurt anyone. We all make mistakes. If your friend is truly your friend, he’ll eventually forgive yours. If I were him, I’d be more upset that you held it in, but listen to your gut feeling on what to do. It’s usually right.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You should tell them. Not for you or for them but because real friends shouldn’t have secrets. You should tell them everything – including your feelings of guilt. Whatever you decide, I thank you for sharing this with us. It’s deep & heartfelt & will probably teach a powerful lesson to many.

    I hope you find some peace.


  4. It’s funny how quick we are to forgive others and how loathe we are to forgive ourselves…
    Perhaps funny isn’t the right word, but I know you understand what I mean. If the roles were reversed you would forgive your friend. I don’t know the relationship you have with them, but perhaps you should trust them to forgive you? Perhaps in time you will be able to forgive yourself too. I hope so… and, yet, I know there are demons from my past I will never forgive myself… Ah, the hypocrisy of me…
    And now I’m rambling…
    The point of all this madness is that if you find the courage to tell your friend what happened, I hope they forgive you, and I hope that helps you heal and forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. We all have regrets. You are not alone in those struggles.
    Thank you for sharing your story… I hope getting the words down, writing out your apology has brought you a bit closer to where you need to be, where you want to be.


  5. I’m so glad you survived and didn’t injure anyone. It’s a tough call and very brave thing to write about. Thank you for sharing this – sometimes we do things we are not proud of and I believe you should tell your friend the truth xxx


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