Sometimes the “stories that must not die” are the ones we wish would disappear.
As I get older and older, I realize that the stories that I try to hide aren’t the ones where I am the victim of abuse or injustice. Instead, the stories that I kill off from my memory are the ones where I am the abuser or the perpetrator.
Case in point, my sexual relations. I often tell others of how I was discriminated against due to race and penis size, but I rarely reveal how I used others for my sexual satisfaction.
I’ve slept with a number of women who I had no intentions of courting or, even, loving. The first time I had sex in high school was with a classmate who I didn’t even like. I just wanted to lose the suffix “virgin” of my social identity as a nerdy Asian.
Thanks to this joyless, rushed encounter, I was a premature ejaculator for years. The silver lining of this “dis-ease” was that I was unable to have sex with many other women who I didn’t have deep feelings for due to climaxing before we even took off our clothes.
I even propositioned a woman to have sex with me to help me overcome my problem with premature ejaculation. She agreed, and once my problem was under control, I stopped calling her.
I once heard that we are destined in future lives to marry anyone who we have had sex with. If that is the case, I have a lot of lifetimes to practice unconditional love because I am going to have to marry a lot of people who I don’t feel love for.
I’m not proud of any of these “conquests.” The best I can say is that I am learning to love these women years later because I see the suffering I caused them when I manipulated, betrayed, or ignored them. I think about them and wish them well. I hope that they find someone much better than me who will love them as they deserve to be loved.
I like to tell myself that all these affairs weren’t that bad because they were all consensual sex. But the fact that they were consensual reveals a possibility that some of these women were saying yes because they had deep feelings for me or they felt like they could trust me. I took advantage of those feelings and betrayed that trust.
I’m not sure what or when I’m going to teach my sons about sex, but I do know the one thing I’m going to emphasize is that making love requires two open hearts. If you or your partner don’t have your hearts wide open, then don’t do it.