What if…?

This post was submitted anonymously.

I don’t even know how to start. Should I go for the sensational: I want to rape my wife. Should I ease into the subject first: Understanding different libidos and how it can impact your life. Should I just start typing and see where the words take me: I don’t even know how to start. We’ve established that already.

It would be a major understatement to say I like sex. I would be content to never leave the bedroom (for simplicity sake, I’m leaving this to one room in the house) if not for those minor annoyances needed to stay alive: food, work, cleanliness. I like the connection of it, the intimacy, the quiet moments before and after, the exploration, the act, the feelings, the emotions. I like sex. Yes, that is an understatement and I’ve said it anyway. Does it really need to be quantified more specifically than that?

Our society seems to have a crush on it as well, since it is prevalent in everything we do. From billboards on busses to advertisements next to articles, it is in our face, and in our heads all day long. It is inescapable, which makes it difficult to not dwell on continuously. It is nearly to the point where it should be added to the constants of this life: death and taxes and some sort of media selling something via sex. Spend five minutes channel surfing, or flipping through a magazine, or listening to music and sex will come up.

And when it does, it makes me think of my wife. Which means that whatever they are trying to sell they haven’t because rather than focusing on the product, I’m thinking about having sex. Wanting it. Looking forward to it.

And, yet, not everyone seems to be as affected by it as I am. They seem to go through their day to day life ignoring the images and ideas and pressures. They don’t care about sex. They don’t want it. They don’t need it.

My wife and I have very different desires here. I would have sex every day if I could. She can go months without ever wanting it.

I don’t remember the first time she gave into me and I realized that she was only going along with it because she knew I wanted it. It was long ago, early on in our marriage. Sadly, I didn’t realize until later what had happened. She wasn’t into it. She didn’t want it. She’d said yes, but… it felt like rape all the same. I’d pressured her into saying yes. I’d made her feel like she owed it to me. How many times had that happened before and I’d missed it?

I can’t describe accurately how horrible that felt. And I vowed immediately to never pressure her again. I could wait until she was ready. I could be patient until she wanted it as much as I did.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve broken and renewed that vow. More than I’d like to admit. More than is reasonable.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I addicted to sex? Should I see a specialist of some sort? Should I be on medication? Am I terrible person?

We’ve had honest conversations about our different levels of desire, our different libidos. But these discussion don’t solve anything. She is where she is, and I am where I am. And I’m not sure there is anything wrong with that. We’ve made it work so far and it is truly such a small part of our relationship, who we are as a couple, and what we mean to each other, that it shouldn’t matter. Sex does not define our love.

However, in those moments when my sex drive kicks in and she has no interest… Once she has said no, I would never actually do anything, but the thoughts are there anyway. Sometimes they lurk on the edge, and sometimes they hit me full force. It troubles me that the thoughts are there at all. What if I should lose control? What if I were drunk at the time? What if…?


17 thoughts on “What if…?

  1. Reblogged this on Not a Punk Rocker and commented:

    Thank you to our anonymous poster today for sharing this story. I know it couldn’t have been at all easy to write, much less share this, but I am hopeful that you will receive some advice and support from the Stories community.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You are not alone. I know that doesn’t help, but many couples face the hardship of having different libidos. I don’t think the answer is for one of you to go with your needs unmet, nor is the answer the other obliging sex when their heart isn’t in it. 😦 I know masturbation is not the same but it is at least a release, and will usually do in a pinch.

    Liked by 7 people

  3. Here’s the other side– My husband wants sex constantly. CONSTANTLY. Me, eh, not so much. We have little kids, I’m exhausted by the end of the day. There is nothing sexy about two hours of Spongebob.
    However, when he seems disinterested in me, and I start feeling like we have no spice left in our sex life? I’m all over him.
    It could be that she wants to initiate once in a while, and a really good time for you to expect that is when she’s ovulating. Figure out that date, and roll away from her. 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  4. We had a married couple over for dinner one night and they got into an argument about sex (or the lack of). It was pretty embarrassing because it’s not something hubby and I openly discuss with friends but the subject was unavoidable. Let me tell you there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Men and women often have differing views about sex. Woman want the closeness and (as a girlfriend of mine says quite crudely) men just want to empty their bags. Sorry if this term is offensive to anyone reading this.

    As another commenter said (naptimethoughts) – she’s exhausted by the end of the day and there’s nothing sexy about two hours of Spongebob.

    Getting back to our dinner party with out arguing friends – my hubby got involved in the conversation and said something very interesting to the male guest. He said, ‘Foreplay should start in the morning when you make your wife a cup of tea, it should continue during the day when you help around the house and go into the evening when you offer to make dinner and help with the dishes’ [at this point I was intrigued because hubby is a real man’s man who never talks about this stuff and until this time I never realised why we had a such a good sex life!]. He went on to say, ‘at night a back rub or foot rub while watching the television is nice idea and in the end if there’s no orgasm it doesn’t matter because sex should be a way of life and not a single random act.’

    Liked by 15 people

  5. Interesting post… I am in that particular situation right now except…..I’m the female and my hubby has no libido. I should mention, we are not in our 20s or 30s or even 40s anymore. We are in our 50s. So, not old but not young. I have never said no to my partner when in earlier years I didn’t want sex. But the reason had nothing to do with libido, it was simply because I didn’t like him, and didn’t want him touching me. It was NEVER making love, it was sex pure and simple and only for his physical satisfaction. Being the ever dutiful wife (because that was how I was raised) I never said no. But I did not feel wanted or desired. Now the shoe is on the other proverbial foot. He HAS turned me down and I can’t handle being rejected in that way on top of all of the other rejection I have received from him in the past. So…..I just deal with it. We have been married for over 28 years and have lived through a lot of shit in our marriage. Somehow we have survived and we have a good relationship now. We had to find common ground to build on outside of the bedroom and we actually enjoy being together now. After all, sex should not be such a huge part of your relationship that you have nothing else to stand on once that part slows down or stops. There are many other ways to be intimate with your partner. It is important to find that and your relationship will sustain many more years.
    I totally understand your feelings. I admire your honesty and no I don’t think you are a sex addict. If you were, then you would be looking for it everywhere with anyone at anytime. I don’t get that is the problem.
    My advice is to find out what she feels is intimate outside of the bedroom and work on that. Then maybe the sex will be more frequent. Women usually just want to know they are loved, wanted and desired……not fulfilling a “need”. Security can be a very powerful aphrodisiac 🙂

    Liked by 7 people

  6. To build on what Courtney said, I think it’s lovely that it is still your wife you desire, it’s not that you want it with anybody and everybody. It doesn’t sound to me like there’s anything wrong with you, everybody has different libidos and the chances of both people in a couple having the same levels is unlikely, one is probably always going to want it more than the other, if the difference is small then it doesn’t matter, but when the difference is wide like yours appears to be then it can appear to be a big problem. Not sure what the solution is, but just knowing there’s nothing wrong with you (as other commenters are also saying) might help!

    Liked by 4 people

  7. I’ve been married twice. First husband wanted sex all the time. I didn’t. He truly was a sex addict I found out too late. He would screw anything female (sorry for being crude). Second husband never wanted it. So I’ve had two ends of the spectrum. I enjoy sex. But having stated that, women are different than men in the sex department. We want to be wooed, as Dianne’s smart husband knows, foreplay is so very important, and when it’s all day, you will be amazed what happens afterward.
    You never said how much foreplay you and your wife have. Maybe that simple answer is the key. Try it. Romance the hell out of your wife, have a foreplay kind of day. I bet it pays off in the end, because she will feel super sexy and wanted.
    As for being an addict, no you aren’t. You just enjoy sex. As one commentator said, if you were an addict you would be after all sorts of women. You just want your wife. So let her know. Don’t tell….show!

    Liked by 4 people

  8. Thank you for sharing this. I haven’t been with anyone in years so I’m hardly qualified. My ex had a strong libido and he told me straight up. I didn’t have one. In the happier times we made it work.

    Before him I was with a guy. I was 20 and he was older. His sexual appetite was insatiable. He understood but teased me. One night we were in the woods and he “joked” I could rape you right now and only we would know it. I freaked out and we were done not too long after.

    I don’t know you but here is my gut. You sound like you adore your wife and would never want to hurt her. Ever. That said your last statements scare the bejeebus out of me. This might not make me popular but if you seriously think you might lose control, and being drunk is no excuse, then maybe you do need to talk about this. Thanks again for posting. I wish you peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Yeah, couples can have different libidos, but I feel in your situation it would really help to seek some sort of therapy. I’m not saying anything is wrong with you, but sometimes having a professional to talk to works wonders. It might save you from your possible what-if scenarios, not to mention your marriage because sex and finances seem to be the biggest hurdles for couples. I wish you and your wife the best and I appreciate your bravery in sharing your story.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. My husband has a stronger libido usually as well and I knew this going into the marriage so I am often happy to make the night (or day) all about him when I’m not charged up…maybe it’s just me but knowing he is happy sexually makes me feel the marriage is strong so it’s not a feeling of obligation for me to suck it up now and then and make his night magical. There is a time when faking it is a good thing, in my opinion…and in the end I’m usually satisfied that he is.

    The idea that your wife dead fish’s it with you so you feel like you are forcing the situation is a serious issue and I do suggest you seek couples therapy of some kind. Honestly, shame on her for making you feel that way.

    Liked by 1 person

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