The Butt of All Jokes

We’ve touched on quite a few difficult and taboo topics here at STMND. As a group, we understand the majority of those subjects can sometimes be a bit of a downer. Some folks reading may feel triggered or become upset afterward.

Today we are choosing to break up the monotony. It was discussed among us that we add some happiness here too. This, by no means is intended to downgrade or discard the seriousness of our other posts or guest writers. We simply would like to offer you more than “touchy topics” and we believe that was also one of the goals of our founder, Rarasaur.

We still encourage you to send in your stories of all types. No subject is taboo. As long as we clear it as acceptable material, we urge you to share it with us.

With all that said, I’m going to share a funny story with you today. I think it will fit well here. It too is another Story That Must Not Die.

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Some teenagers make a sport out of impressing one another. I was no different. At fourteen going on fifteen, I was a sight to behold. Friends of mine would tell you I was as animated as a Disney family movie. Grace has never been one of my strong suits. It turns out clumsiness combined with an outgoing disposition makes for some embarrassing (yet hilarious) moments.

It was a Friday after school. We’d all meet up at my friend’s house because his mother wasn’t home until later at night. It was our little dwelling spot because, well, we were bad kids sometimes. For two guys and two girls, we managed to make a ton of noise. Thankfully, no one ever called the cops.

We were blasting music for the better portion of the afternoon. A conversation began on the latest dance moves. I thought, oh, I’ve got this.

I went into full, loud, proud character. Full of ego, I started busting out this impossible dance that involved dipping way down to the floor.

If this were a play, this would be the part where the main character steps out of the scene and the lights dim while they address the audience.

Even as a child, I’ve been well-endowed in the posterior area. In other words, I have a big ass for a white girl. I was thin as a rail back then but, my bottom was still pretty large. I wore skin tight jeans often. On this particular occasion, maybe that wasn’t such a grand idea.

Back to that silly dance.

I was fired up. I dipped way down to the floor. An obnoxiously loud ripping sound followed. No, I didn’t fart. My boyfriend at the time immediately burst into tremendous machine gun turrets of laughter. I had torn my pants clear up the back.

It was incredibly embarrassing. They ripped completely up the butt crack area and I was wearing thong panties that day. My big, chalky white ass was completely showing.

Remember before when I described that outgoing personality? Yeah, I was secretly shy. My shyness was even greater when it had anything to do about my lady bits. It was only a butt. Still, I’d rather not have it openly displayed to a room full of laughing teenagers.

I was mortified. My face turned completely tomato red. Somehow, in that huge moment of embarrassment, I did manage to also realize how funny it was. One of my friends remarked “Damn girl! That thing is bigger than I thought!” I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?

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