Hurt. Angry. Tired.

The following post was submitted anonymously.

When I first read through the following submission I was struck by the raw power of the words, the pain, the confusion, and the sense of hope that is there underneath the surface.  Please show the writer the support our community is famous for.

Potential trigger warnings: drugs, alcohol, abuse, violence

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

I gave a homeless, bm, a hand up, not a hand out and he assaulted me and gave me vaginal herpes, possibly HIV.

I am an attorney in another county. He spent 5 days in jail, DA dismissed charges. He has been seen in the area, 2.1 miles from my home as latest of Friday, Dec. 11 at 11:30 pm.

Hurt,

angry,

tired,

but still fighting for other known felons.

Fighting for myself too.

Had an emergency court hearing Dec. 15, 8:30 am. Sleep with pepper spray, butcher knife and phone on 911 speed dial.

Afraid of the dark.

Lost faith in mankind, and the system. Not my faith in Christ though. I’m closer to Him than ever.

Have new bf who claims to love me.

Joke.

Old bf broke off engagement when I disclosed that I have vaginal herpes. His loss, not mine…

etc.

etc.

etc.

etc.

I have no symptoms, yet. But will require HIV testing every 3 months for a lifetime. Have chosen not to be a victim, but an active participant in my recovery. Rarely drink and don’t do drugs.

Thinking of taking up one or, perhaps, both though…

My Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, Birthday and any other occasions, are cancelled,

indefinitely…

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39 thoughts on “Hurt. Angry. Tired.

  1. The first time I read through this story I was struck by the anger and confusion on the surface of the words and the power of determination below the surface. I can’t imagine having a good deed go do horribly wrong but I feel like the writer, through their faith and their strength of character, will come through it okay.
    And, as a tangent, this is further evidence of our broken legal system…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Black male came to my home the day after restraining order expired and tried to get in. I ran after him calling him a nigger and told him I would kill him if he ever attempted to rape and assault me again. A judge had me serve him 6 times and I finally gave up. I had purse stolen by 3 hispanic females when trying to find him to serve him by someone other than myself. A month later on my deceased mother’s birthday, two white males came and stole my car with the extra keys that were in my purse along with my driver’s license, bank card, insurance card and medical information. This bs has ruined my life. I have attempted suicide and live in fear that this jerk will find me. I will never be the same again. I am due to get psychiatric help but don’t think it is even worth my time. I was evicted by my landlord when I had to decide to pay $600 to get my recovered car out of impound or pay rent. Car paid for, landlord never paid for. Landlord got all my worldly goods. I have had to start over. Not easy. Now I have an abusive landlord who never keeps his word and refuses to repair anything. I am taking off to San Diego to visit my deceased parents grave. I don’t think I am coming back to the shithole I am living in. Life is full of wicked, rude people who are full of bs. Don’t even go to church anymore. And I don’t believe in the justice system or mankind anymore either. The police did nothing to prosecute the asshole who assaulted me or the assholes who stole my car. Now I hate pigs too. Still hurt, angry and tired.

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  2. Going to hand out hot chocolate this am. Even though I am the one who is hurt, tired and angry. God Bless to all and Merry Christmas! Remember the reason for the season. It’s about the birth of Jesus, not the birth of Santa….

    Liked by 2 people

  3. When I went out this am to serve hot chocolate to homeless, I came upon my rapist. I had a homeless man bring me a bag with two hot tacos. Said thank you, and gave them to my rapist whom I knew was more hungry than myself. Went home and returned to my rapist with pepper spray in pocket. Gave him alcohol (neighbor returned) , hot water in a bowel, warm wash rag, bar of soap, suglasses, Kenneth Black deoderant (intended as Christmas gift for current bf), toothbrush, toothpaste, toilet paper, water, crackers, clean white t-shirt, boxers and pair men’s pjs. Also gave/read rapist letter returned when he was in custody, lab results showing positive result for Herpes 2 and last pack of smokes. Also gave him the only .04 cents I have to my name. He said he was sorry. I looked into his eyes, filled with tears and believed hiim. Called his Mom on my cell and allowed him to speak to him. She hung up on md when I told her that her Son gave me vaginal herpes. Provided him with the date, time, ace of new court scheduled appearance and # to call if late to send email to bailiff with explaination. Told him I will load his commissary card if he is incarcerated again, until. Spent 2+ hrs with him, allowed him to listen to “his girl”, Alicia Keyes through open car door. He actually wwanted to return to my home to shower and sleep in my bed. Declined that request. I may not receive justice in court. But justice was served this am. No one ,including my rapist, can say that I am not a child of Christ and that I don’t have unconditional love in my heart. I came home, showered and took a nap. That may be the last time I see or speak to my rapist. Doubtful, though. He will be knocking on my door tonight after dark, begging to come in to warmth, love and a shower. I may or may not open the locked door. Still deciding. But he has been forgiven. Just as Christ died with His hands nailed to a cross, beaten before and a crown of thorns upon his head. May my actions be a witness to other’s….

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    • Your kindness doesn’t go unrecognized, dear. We all see. Although I would advise you to get a restraining order for your own safety – I still admire your forgiveness toward someone that in the eyes of many shouldn’t be forgiven.
      I hope you have some peace during these holidays. You have more than earned it.

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      • Thank u all for your well wishes and love. I am healing. Just had nails painted sparkly, read with Christmas Star/tree on ring fingers. They look so pretty. Gave new bf Christmas gifts from Calvin Klein outlet and Old Navy outlet. Asking nothing in return. I already have my Christmas gift. The gift of forgivenesss and the promise of eternal life from Christ.

        Liked by 1 person

      • If there’s one thing I’ve learned sweetie, it’s that life can be excruciatingly painful. Sometimes I think the best thing we can do is just take that time aside to scream, cry, let it all out in whatever way we do it. So long as it’s not destructive to ourselves or anyone else. We need that time to process so we can figure out a game plan of “where do I go from here” and take those proper steps to keep moving through life as best we can.

        You seem to have a firm grip on this despite everything. This is how I know you’re going to be alright no matter what life throws your way.

        I’m glad to hear there is some positive going on there. I will continue to pass on your story. I resume business as usual at my own blog in January. I will share this there when I return if I have your blessing.
        Never lose that magnetic light you possess. ♥ 😉

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      • Thanks for your confidence. I saw rapist again last night. He was sleeping at the post office AGAIN with another homeless man. Found his bag of toiletries, clean clothing I washed, bottle of Vodka I bought him, food I provided to him. He ditched them at location I took him to yesterday am before I went to court. I put them in my trunk. Gave him open bottle of alcohol. Other items are going in the dumpster. Except $21 Kenneth Cole Black deoderant. I will leave that for bf at my home. Will put in freezer and cut off top. I am finished enabling him. I am not going to waste my time and gas looking for him anymore. He was arrested Dec 21 for providing false information to a police officer. He was a no show for court date on Dec 24 and has another warrant out for his arrest. SB Cnty Sheriff’s Dept doesn’t care.Responding officer to last night’s call actually implied that I was the “trouble maker”. Really? Omg. I will go to court date on Dec. 31 at 8:30 am with the gas I have left in my car. Until then, SB Cnty Sheriff’s Dept won’t hear from me again. Unless I am dying on the pavement or raped and assaulted again. Sorry to say, but they are worthless, incompetent and unaware if the seriousness of having a rapist, methamphetamine user, known felon and woman abuser, psychophranic, asshole walking their streets. I will call church shuttle to pick me up and take me to/from church tomorrow. If I am exhausted, I will watch Joel Olsteen on my laptop or cell. Considering allowing bf to pay 1/3 of rent, 1/2 of electric, 1/2 cable bill and all of food/cleaning, supplies/toilet/paper towels, gas for vehicle, etc. If he wants a cell, he can pay to have a landline put back in my home. Not putting him on my lease and cannot sub-let. He needs to get on his feet. Needs a car, cell, and needs to pay restitution to the State of California. He also will be required to pay child support to 18 month old child and show me proof of it before I consider I getting him rent a room. He will be able to stay for 3 weeks, leave for a day, and return. Won’t go through bs of evicting him when he comes up with lame excuse for being unable to pay required rent, food, cable, electric, etc. I will require him to sign a written, notarized, agreement before moving in a toothbrush. If he abuses my kindness, he will be gone. Still thinking about proposal. Will put it in writing and ask him to abide by all of my lease terms and initial all of them typed in a document of agreement prepared ahead of time. Will also require payment of first month’s rent and $100 security deposit. I will put it in a trust fund and return to him when he needs the money. I don’t need his help, financially. Just want his companionship. That’s my plan for my bright future. Looking forward to your blog. God Bless. And hope I am not making another mistake by inviting a felon to come into my home. One unkind word and he will be gone so fast, his head will be spinning…U think I’m stupid or anyone else, they are wrong.

        Liked by 1 person

      • We wouldn’t think that of your or any of our other guests here, Kimberly. This place is judgement free.

        Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist to speak about some of your trauma? For some people – it really helps. I know it helped me a great deal.
        Maybe you’d like to give our Resources page a browse.

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      • Had a counseling appointment Fri. Forgot. Had to be in court. Going to call back after Dec 31 to get another appt after Jan 1. Counselor only works at office close by on Friday’s… Got it covered. Thank u for not being judgemental. Usually very responsible. And wouldn’t miss an important appointment. Just so damn exhausted….

        Liked by 1 person

      • & That’s understandable with what you’ve been through. I’m glad you already have that set up. Therapy has helped repair (not remove but repair) so many wounds of so many people I know. It’s also helped some of our posters here. Keep us updated, dear. I hope the new year is better for you.

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  4. I am so sorry beyond words. You have tremendous faith, some would say Christ-like. To be able to face him with such grace. You mention turning to alcohol or drugs. I sincerely hope you don’t. I hope you keep your inner strength and faith instead. The fact that he may knock on your door is terrifying. Please try to stay safe. Thank you for letting your story out. My thoughts are with you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Don’t intend to use drugs or alchohol. It was my dry sense of humor showing. Gave rapist water, etc after he ditched me when he was taken to Victor Valley Global community hospital last night from 11:44 pm-4:30 am. No sleep again. Brought him chapstick, toothache pain ointment and water in cup with ice. Told him “we were done and so was I”….

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  5. Saw my rapist again this am at 2:30. Went to get him smokes with money he gave ME. The clean clothes, soap, deoderant, toothbrush/toothpaste appear to have been stolen from him. He looked like a lost puppy who had been beaten by his owner for urinating on the carpet. He also looked tired, cold, hungry and purplexed. I am also. Why won’t a homeless shelter take in, and give shelter to a homeless man because he has no identification? Thought homess shelters’ give shelter to those that are homeless, needing shelter. What is wrong with that picture? Oh. Rapist/abuser gave me $10 for gas and told me that I looked beautiful and that he loved my hair that I spent 3+ hours getting cut, colored and highlights yesterday am. He does have a kind bone in his body, which is tire, angry and hurt. My pain us going away. But his contiues to go on and on and on. When he surrenders to Christ, it will stop. May God send blessings his way. My cup runith over….

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  6. Rapist was arrested for time #3 this afternoon at 4:30 pm. Believe he was booked and released again. Really? I took his items that he was forced to leave when police arrested him. Took blankets, clothing home and washed them. He should be back about 2.1 miles from my home by now. I am in bed but can’t sleep. So I will use the fumes of gas that I have and get dressed again and go find him to take him clean blankets and a pillow that ge will be needing while sleeping in the dirty, nasty pavement. I’ll take him some bandaides and neosporin ointment as he has been wearing no socks with his boots for two days. Most likely has blisters. He thought someone stole the items that I gave him but found them in trash can at his previous location. I need to stop enabling him.

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    • So far on. SB Cnty Sheriff’s Dept still looking for him. Haven’t “enabled” him for almost 2 days. Bf stayed with me last night. He will b up in 10 min. I’m going to jail. Client released after 8 years in prison. Home day before Christmas. I/he/his family are so gappy. So is gf and kiddos. Court date still scheduled on my case Dec 31. Bf is so good to me. Very lucky. So is he. Lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m glad you have that support system. It’s SO important. You know you have us here too whenever you may need it.

        Like Matticus said, I have faith things just may turn out for the better. We’re all rooting for you.
        ♥️♥️♥️♥️

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      • Spent 3 hrs re-filing another restraining order on rapist. He is in Rialto, CA with 2 stolen screwdrivers. He stole them from my home the night he raped and assaulted me. NO ONE steels from me. I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure he is living, sleeping, eating, begging etc. and back where he came from. Found out he drew a pentagram on the back of his daughters’ picture. I knew I saw Lucifer when he was raping me and tasted bile when I vomited afterwards…

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    • Spent Christmas Eve (or a major portion of it, until 10:30 pm) with rapist/abuser. Took him in heated car to find a warm place to sleep. He begged to come to my home to shower and sleep with my kitty, Charlie, who he loves and loves him. I cried, hysterically when I hadto drive away. He and I both spent Christmas Eve alone. Had a horrible lightening and thunderstorm early am. His Mom can’t come until Dec 28 to put him in a hotel. I didn’t make it to Christmas Eve church services. I lost track of time. Going to see if I can find a church having services today. Chose to spend the money I received yesterday on gifts for Christmas only for bf. I did buy shoes at Nine West outlet yesterday for $39.99 a pair/retailed at $89.99 per pair. Do need for court. Put gas in car, bought cigarettes and ones for neighbor’s who are broke. Felt guilty for going home to warm bed, warm house, hot shower. Broke down when i attempted to drive away from James, rapist/abuser. Pulled over by the side of road to compose myself so that I could drive the rest of the way home. Today is the birth of Christ. But I am waivering. Thinking of being a no show in court on Dec 31 so judge will dismiss restraining order/charges against James. What is the point? I am so tired and no one cares. Not even a Christmas card from my only Sister. Don’t pity me. I am a grown adult, making poor choices still. God Bless all of you and your families. You should consider yourselves lucky. I am feeling kinda lucky. Still angry, hurt and confused….

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      • Kimberly – I hope you were able to spend Christmas with someone. I was thinking of you and all of us who were alone. I hope you had peace.

        I’m really concerned about you. Have you thought about seeing a professional counselor? I’m concerned about the attachment you have with your attacker. It is obvious that you are a good person and I’m worried for you. This is going to sound tough, but think long and hard about cancelling. If you do, you are telling him that what he did is okay. It is not okay. It gives him permission to do it again, possibly to someone else. You didn’t deserve it, other potential victims don’t deserve it, no one does. Please think hard.

        I’ve never been raped, so I can’t imagine what you are going through. I endured one episode of traumatic physical abuse, by my best friend, at the age of 9. I never told as it happened the night before we moved 3,000 miles away and I never saw him again. I blocked it out, but it changed me, as that is the age where we develop trust. I laugh and say my trust o meter is permanently broken (although I’ve recently let people in). I’ve made horrible choices and will likely make more. When I unblocked it, 35 years later, I cried for hours. I googled him and Google said he was arrested. I guess my point is that justice gets served, one way or another. Part of me wonders what would have happened had I told. Would justice have been a spanking rather than an arrest?

        That said, I hang on to everything that is positive in my life: a good job, an apartment, and the people who are friends. I still struggle, but, I’m fortunate, because some don’t have that and it’s so sad.

        Please know that we are here for you. Hugs.

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      • Had counseling appt today. But forgot. Had to b in court. Jury selection was to begin on client. However, prison he was being transported from went on lock down. Trial delayed, indefinitely. Went grocery shopping, washed car and did laundry. Not going to drop charges. Not giving up. Just tired. Picking up bf at 11:00 pm. Spent Christmas alone. In bed.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Spending evening with bf. Seeing him after he gets off work at 11:00 pm. Pretty sure rapist was in my back yard this afternoon. He jumped the fence in back alley. Dogs next door went crazy. I sat, terrified in bedroom. Now I sleep with bigger butcher knife and pepper spray. SB Cnty Sheriff’s Dept busy looking for 2 felons who shoplifted $15,000 of jewelry at Hesperia Walmart on Dec 25 and returned to re-offend on Dec 26. One has been apprehended and is at High Desert Detention Center in Adelanto, CA (where my rapist spent only 5 days). They r going to need a good lawyer. I’m on vacation…

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      • Missed court call by 5 minutes. Was driving in snow and back ice on highways 210 and 15 N and Southbound. Took rapist/assailant to his Mom’s in Loma Linda bcuz he was ready to “bounce on out of my home”. Asked him to go to court call, sit in car from 8:30 – 10:30 am at latest. Then I said I would drive to loma Linda. He refused. So…judge continued case to Monday, Jan 5 at 8:30
        Getting on shower noe to go to court re: Jamrs. Go at 8:30 am. He is in Rialto, CA in nasty, most digusting, motel. I was gagging last night when I went to check on him, reluctantly. At family request. Home and in be by 1:30 am. So tired, hurt and angry. He made Mr miss court call, refused help for 10000+ times. I cleaned his motel room as best as I could. Man smoking meth outside when I left. Went to jack in the box to get food and drink. Paid for same for car in line behind me. Just asked him to pay it forward to someone else. I am so stupid re James. Stalker who threatened to harm me, sue me, hack Facebook page is named Mickey MCFayden. His 6 facebook pages have been taken down by Facebook team and parole officer has contacted him by phone and in person this Friday and sat. Calling again. As he continues to threaten, call, etc. Calling parole officer to inform again. His case goes to court on monday, Jan 5….OMG. Please pray for me. Never needed more prayer. Not even when my Mom died suddenly Jan 3, 2003.
        omg. Omg.

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  7. Bf who said to my face that he loved me, is such an asshole. He kicked me to the curb and went back to his baby’s mother. Knew it was coming. He actually had the fkg nerve to accept a Calvin Klein watch that retails for $450 knowing of his decision. Wants to be “friends”… WTF? How do i do that? Collapsed of broken heart at park on Sun while walking to clear my head. Refused med treatment. No money for rent due. Landlord is going to evictby Sat if i dont pull $670 or $2432 out of my ass. Then old bf has nerve to be jealous when i meet a new friend on Monday night. Life is a bitch. Then u die. Want to. Dont know what i am going to do. Cry day and night. What am i going to do? Live in car? Or end up homeless like my rapist? Please pray for me.

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  8. Stuck in Oceanside,Ca with no gas to get home. At beach. New fiance is here. We r surrounded by transients, drug abusers and alcholics. Rapist & assailant is sleeping at West Valley Detention Center. Court didn’t go well on March 20. Judge wants me to serve him for time #5. Says i didn’t serve him with form DD-214. Went to clerks office to prove ot WAS served. Said to come back next month. Just going to let it go. Still hurt, angry and now so tired. Think I am sick with pneumonia. 3 hispanic females stole my purse and over $5000 of stuff out of my car on my Mom’s bday when i was trying to serve Lucifer. Omg. How much can one person take?

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  9. Served rapist/assailant time #8. Still tormented by nightmares. Still can’t wash him off. Met man of my dreams on Valentine’s Day, 2014. He proposed on St. Patrick’s Day on both knees. Said “Hell YES!” Was wearing all red. Said I was the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on. Believe him. Moving. Evicted. Vehicle stolen and recovered. Omg. $10,000 of material items jacked out of car. Ok though. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Lol. Paid off car, etc. SO BLESSED. New church. Fiance going. Son forgot Mother’s Day, AGAIN. It’s ok. Suing Aladdin “goons”. Tore me out of bed, naked. Said I was “resisting”. Not. Another story. Neighbor videoing every move. They need a life. I have been given renewable second chance. Believe in white horsemen, picket fences. Years of tormented easing. God Bless to all of those who care. Love you all! Kimmie is back. Black male/assailant arrested time #9 or #10. R/O expired. BM walking free again. I still hold head high and maintain dignity. He is not so good. Too bad.

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