The Birthday That Never Was

This post was submitted anonymously.


I had an abortion. That makes me a bad person. Those sanctimonious know-it-alls holding up signs and killing abortion doctors think I’m a killer and they’re probably right. I’m a baby-killer. But, they don’t know what it’s like. They don’t know what it means to carry that.

Every once in a while, I think about that life that ended before it began. I do the math to see how old it would be now. It would be a fully-grown adult, old enough to have kids of his or her own.

I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t bring a child born of this blood into this world. Not with my past. Not with my family history. Not with my mental illnesses, hereditary legacy, and not with a mother like me.

If I could choose whether or not my own mother would have me, there are times when I would choose not to have been born at all. It might have been better for everyone-especially me. There has never been enough sunshine. There is so much darkness. I still carry it with me.

The child I might have had would have wound up in the system. I was a junkie. I couldn’t look after myself, let alone another life. That child, if it was born at all, which would have been a miracle considering all the drugs I did, would have been neglected and alone. Like so many other kids, it would have had a mother incapable of caring for it who really just wanted it to go away. It would have been born down in the domain of evil and things that go bump in the night. It would never have known who its father was, because its mother had no idea.

The child had a one in a billion chance of surviving and thriving. There was too much risk of passing on the horror of its mother, a mentally ill addict who was too broken to produce anything beautiful. Too selfish, and at the same time, compassionate to bring a life born of her blood into the world.

Selfish, because she could not take on the role of parent. Benevolent, because she would not risk giving a child the same fate as her. Mental institutions, jail, sexual abuse, violence, rape, torture, addiction, self-harm, beatings, diseased body and mind. She would rather not have a child than put one through any of that. It was an act of self-serving kindness.

I don’t think about it much. I don’t think about the child or the version of me that might have been a mother back then. I’m not sure I can really. When I do think about it, it’s from a distance. I tell myself it was the right thing to do. I saved a life from a world of pain. Given the choice, I wish my mother had done the same.

Abortion is not a decision that should be made lightly. It has consequences that you live with forever. But, it is every woman’s choice. Sometimes, it’s the absolute right decision in the circumstances.

We’ll never know how things might have turned out, but I live with my decision, and even after all these years and all this uncertainty, I believe I made the right choice at the time. I have to believe it.

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “The Birthday That Never Was

  1. I’m sure this was tough to write.
    Thank you for sharing it here, with this community.
    We make our way through this messed up world, doing the best we can – trying – and we may never know if we got the biggest decisions right or wrong. And that’s okay, because often there is no difference.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt I am in trouble. No one will help. I went to visit my parents gravesite on Thurs. Also looked for new place to live. Can’t find one. Rapist out of jail on 1/27/2015 at 9:20 pm. Don’t feel safe. Can’t pay rent, new car payment, gas, electric bill, food for pets, food for me. No where to turn. Do u know where I could move and pay less than $550 a month and bring 5 kitties, W/dryer, refrigerator? Have a few days to decide. Only way out is to end my life. And to humanly euthenize baby kitties that men the world to me. My # is (760)617-0206. Will u call asap? Kimberly Lovellette

      Like

  2. I think you made the right choice. I am a strong supporter of choice. Personally I think there should be a shot you can get so that you don’t get pregnant until you are ready, and it should be free to anyone who wants it, maybe even mandatory for some people in certain circumstances. I will forever be at odds with the pro life movement that is gung ho to have an unwanted child brought into the world but then doesn’t give a crap about it once it’s here and there is no one and no money to care for it. There a tons of people who should not be parents. I am sorry that this heartache had to be added to the list of other heartaches you have suffered. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Reblogged this on Fish Of Gold and commented:

    The abortion debate is so often about the children and never takes into consideration the feelings of the mother. Here’s a heartfelt post from a would-be mother that sheds some light on what it’s like to have an abortion and how that decision impacts you.

    Like

  4. Same choice, different reasons. Father didn’t love me. Said I needed to take care of “it”… She was the baby girl i never had. Think about her daily. Hate myself for giving such such a precious gift away. Should have kept her. I could have cared for her. She would be 27.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Too many women aren’t able to be honest enough with themselves to make the choice to not have a child. Only you truly know what’s right for you, and at that point, only you knew what was truly right for what could have become a child. Small consolation I realize. I hope there is some peace in your decision now.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Besides the debate, with all the shouting and protest signs one way or the other, there are the real stories that make the big A clearly uneasy; a choice not to be mocked or celebrated, but a choice nonetheless.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you so much for sharing. As others have said, no one has the right to judge you. In your heart, you did what you thought was best. You knew that bringing a child into that environment would not be in anyone’s best interest, especially the child’s.

    I often say the reason why I never had kids is that I can barely take care of myself…and sometimes, I wish my mom had aborted me, as well.

    Like

  8. I think there’s a difference, though, between those women who make the decision with heavy hearts, and a balance of pros and cons, neither of which is fully satisfactory; and those who use abortion as a more complex form of contraception. Perhaps that happens less often where you have to pay for them…I don’t know. But for those who arrive at such a hard decision and a point in their lives where it needs to be made, I cannot judge- it isn’t my place.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. May not live to celebrate my next birthday. Made arrangements to humanly euthanized 5 kitties. Rapist out of jail. No $ to live. Someone call me at (760)617-0206 asap. I have no other solution but to end my life. Kimberly

    Like

  10. There are so many things I would say but not sure you would hear them. There is a solution and if you stop being afraid for just a moment, you will see it. Call a hotline, place your kitties somewhere safe for the time being. It will help all of you. Take one positive step and then another. You are not a murderer. Your child knew it was not staying and that you cared enough to let go for the good of you both. You are swimming in despair and it will not serve you. Stand next to yourself and speak to yourself as if you were talking to your own child. Would you tell your child there was only one way out? No, you would tell you child to look at the situation and see all the possible options that could make things better. Take a deep breath and love yourself like no one else has. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Please keep on trying.

    Like

  11. Thank you for sharing your story. I admire you for the courage it must have taken to make that decision, and for the courage you have to share it. Thank you too for helping to support the argument that there should be a choice available.

    Pro-choice people are often more in favour of people being able to live well, whereas the pro-life movement doesn’t seem to have any idea at all about living.

    Liked by 1 person

Your Words Must Not Die...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s