On Thursday, you sat down for a story that mentioned being a terrible friend. Today, I’m going to share the events that lead up to why.
I’ve vented about the conditions where I live before. That was only the tip of the iceberg. If there was a list of the chaos, we would be here all day reading it.
Since we’ve moved here, it’s been issue after mind-numbing issue. Termites, flooding, broken appliances, failing utilities, you name it – we’ve probably dealt with it. Everything I can think of (short of the roof collapsing) has occurred here at some point. Why not just leave? People say to us over and over. See the referenced link above for my thoughts on that.
The Current State
Recently, our landlord fell ill. The future of this place has been in limbo. We were told they’ve discovered end-stage lung cancer in him and he will never set foot on these grounds again. His children have been handling some of the maintenance here (poorly) and as of recently, have barely set foot here themselves.
Flash forward to this morning. As I rushed to get our son ready for school, we discovered termites again. They were destroying our bedroom windowsill. I was livid and immediately started to enter high blood pressure panic mode. I couldn’t tend to them right away because our son would have missed the school bus.
I despise insects. It’s a guaranteed source of anxiety for me but, we had to continue our day. So we finished getting ready and bolted out the door.
Upon my return, I sobbed as I vacuumed up countless termites. You may be wondering “Why didn’t she call someone in charge?” Well the answer to that is simple. We’ve been through this so many times before with other problems here that we know no one will show. (Or if they do show, they will do an incomplete job and the issue will arise again.)
We just have to go. This urgency is becoming clearer every day.
Home is supposed to be a place of comfort. A place where when you come home from a long day, you can relax. We cannot do that here anymore. This is no longer home. This is just a place where we put our belongings and sleep.
Dealing with this current situation, it brought me back to thinking of our friend, Rara. She must be so far out of her comfort zone as well. When you’re institutionalized, albeit jail, prison, or mental hospital, everything is very much about routine. It’s becomes difficult (if not impossible) to feel any sense of home. It made me realize just how important the proper living situation is to our mental health. Now the question is just how. How on earth are we going to up and move out of here by summer? (We’d like to be out of here before our son starts a new school year in September.) How will we do it with our limited funds? Ever since my gallery closing and the long list of expenses that seem to keep racking up, it seems unreachable.
Wheel of Overwhelm
I know somehow we’ll figure out a way. We always do. But I worry. I worry for our future and I worry about our health. You already know what I deal with if you’ve read my posts here, but I worry for my other half and our son as well. I stress that our son who already has a lot to deal with, is starting to show signs of anxiety. As much as we try to shield him from all the crap in the world, he is smart. He sees everything and is starting to become effected by it.
We had a health scare a few months back and it got me concerned for all of us. Conditions like this, if dealt with for too long, can have adverse effects on our overall physical health as well. We are a resilient bunch, but more than the physical, I am concerned for our mental well-being in the long run.
If home is where the heart is, mine is broken.
If you or anyone you know is dealing with severe anxiety, we have some new resources that may be of some help. Please visit our Resources page for the updated sections and links under the “Anxiety/Stress” sub-category.