Blocked Sun

The following words are from our own DjMatticus and we only echo his sentiments here.

There is a darkness on the horizon, and it blocks the warmth of the rising sun.

These lines came to me this morning on my drive to work. The sun hadn’t risen yet, but with summer fast approaching, it was beginning to warm the horizon of what is usually a dark commute. Still, I couldn’t shake that opening line, “there IS a darkness on the horizon.”
In the past, I would have turned those lines into a work of fiction. Several of my favorite posts have been from driving towards the sunrise (or sunset) on my long daily commutes. But, in this case, that darkness wasn’t a reflection of the view from my windshield, but, rather, the struggles of my heart and mind. And fiction simply would not do.
There is a darkness on the horizon, and it blocks the warmth of the rising sun.
There is nothing to hang my guilt upon, and my grief is nowhere near done.

Before Rara turned herself in, to serve a sentence for a crime she didn’t commit because in our legal system it made more sense for her to serve 18 months and plead guilty, than to fight the charges and serve the four to five years her public defendant said it would take to clear her name, she wrote and share a list of needs for those of us who wanted to help. I can’t seem to find that list anymore… I think it was one of the pages on which was taken down when she went in, but I remember half the list being about her cats, and half the list being about how we could make sure Dave was okay…
And, I know what you all are going to say. I know the words of support and love and understanding you are going to send my direction. I know your arguments and points of view. None of this is my fault. I’ve done more than enough to show my own friendship and love. There was nothing I could have done.
But my heart and mind don’t believe you are right now.
Right now I ache with guilt because I should have done more to stay in regular contact with Dave. I should have visited him. I should have emailed him more than I did. I should have invited him up to spend weekends in the Kingdom, with the Little Prince and the Queen, and to embark on the various adventures we always find ourselves taking. I should have made sure he was okay.
She asked us to watch after him.
She asked us to make sure he was okay.
It was only 18 months…
I have not lived a life free of grief, or sin. I have done things I’m not proud of. I have abused and warred. I have become the bully I was so often the victim of. I have broken laws and hearts. I have lied, cheated, and stolen. I am sorry for these wrongs and have mostly assuaged myself of the resultant guilt. In those cases. For those sins.
But, I have never felt guilt like this…


Featured image courtesy of: CardCastlesIntheSky


26 thoughts on “Blocked Sun

  1. I’m older than you Matt, by a lot. This I know, grief is grief. It doesn’t make sense most times. It tells us lies and it spreads falseness within ourselves. Every one of us handles grief differently. There was nothing you could have done to make the outcome any different. Rara would be the first to tell you this. Dave would tell you this if he could. But no words we say are going to life the guilt from you. Your grief has to die out naturally and then you will see the words for truth. All of us that love Rara and Dave feel the grief in his passing, in her incarceration. Some of us might feel a bit of the guilt you do. All of us feel the love you have for your friends. You have nothing to feel guilty over. You have your good memories of Dave. Keep those close, as he would prefer you do I’m sure.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I can only assume by this post… that the cause of death was suicide? I know that no words are going to assuage your guilt at this point, although I wholeheartedly agree you had no part to feel guilt over. I will say this…. and I know a little bit about depression… those that suffer cannot always be saved. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what anyone does or does not do. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the body. Sometimes it will go away and right itself on its own depending on the circumstance. Most of us have had a time in our life when we have felt depressed. When it is chronic, however, all the love and support anyone can give can fail to be enough. Even medications can fail to be enough. The only thing that would have stopped it for sure… is someone watching him round the clock. You have to… find your strength and pull yourself together for Rara. If you feel this way.. you can only imagine how Rara must feel. No one can help Dave now, but we can still help and support Rara, and that is what we must do.


    • I don’t want to speak for Matticus or Dave and Rara’s families, however, being close to the situation myself, I would say his death was not necessarily ruled a suicide. From what we gather, the infection Dave spoke of on his blog a few days prior to his untimely passing was most likely the cause of death.

      Matticus, myself, and a few others feel guilt mainly because we felt we should’ve asked more, prodded more, checked on his well-being more, etc.

      I even said the day we heard the news that I sensed/knew something was wrong, and if you go back to one of those posts that Dave wrote, you can see my emotion and concern clear as day shouting off in the comments section. I was worried, but when he didn’t respond, I assumed he was just busy and would get back to me later. When he didn’t respond it should have set alarm bells off, but it didn’t.
      Enter my own guilty feelings.

      We are all just so deeply saddened by this still, Dani. Especially those of us that were closer to him. I met Dave separately from Rara two years ago, but that’s another story…

      An old friend said it best yesterday, as for Rara, we’ll all take care of her now. That’s all we can do is just make sure our little ray of light is still shining bright. ❤

      Liked by 3 people

      • Then please delete my comment. From Matts post that is what is sounded like to me. I remember the post about him having to go to emergency. I was worried too.


      • I don’t see any urgency in deleting sweetheart. It was an honest assumption & I’m sure I would’ve thought the same if I didn’t know reading it. If that’s what you wish, though we certainly can.
        I know you were. I know you were one of Dave’s friends. I think we’ve bumped into each other on one of his Tuesday night posts long ago that I am going to miss terribly.

        Liked by 1 person

      • okay. thank you. I just don’t want to offend anyone. 🙂 I didn’t really know Dave. I only met him once and the times I reached out to him he did not respond. I did enjoy some of his posts. It was Rara that I was getting to know right before she went away. I miss her so much, and I write to her. My heart goes out to all who are grieving.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Hey Dani. I’m going to leave your comments up… you haven’t offended anyone, and I think showing the natural progression of the conversations that take place in the comments is equally as important as the posts themselves…
      I didn’t mean to imply that it was suicide and I’m sorry that my words made it sound like that, but, I still don’t know what the actual cause of death was, so your words are an important part of the dialogue, and thank you for them. All of them.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. The last few days, I just remember her saying softly she just hoped he’d be OK. He wasn’t the practical one. But I had a baby and those words got lost in the shuffle, until I got that tragic note. I don’t believe for a second you’re responsible or should feel guilty … and yet, that doesn’t stop me from (obsessively) thinking over Rara’s words and wondering what small acts might have changed this outcome.

    You have been a great friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. There are no words that will make you release your unnecessary guilt. Know that we will be here for you and help you through this. We all see things differently and work through things in our own way. Just remember you do have a support system and we are always willing to listen and be a shoulder for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Whenever death comes, we all seem to take a piece of responsibility for it. We want/need to own it, as if we feel that will remove it, change the terrible fact of it. We can’t. Death is not a thing that can be changed. It just comes, sadly. And it hurts.

    DJ, you are a good friend. A good man. Be at peace. Focus on grief not guilt.

    Liked by 2 people

    • He knows it, dear. @djmatticus You know it, right? 🙂 I felt the exact same way. Matticus was the only one of us that had the courage to write about it. The morning he shared this with us, I thought of some artwork I had done for another project, named something completely different.

      After reading his words, the words blocked sun came to mind. He agreed that it fit. We all ached for a while. Still do. He certainly took on all of it and then some with us.

      Dearest friend, you are indeed so brave for sharing this & I’m still touched by it. Glad our arts could twine together a little on this one to express a shared feeling. ❤

      & Rara, we love you. & We miss Dave a lot with you. & We love him. & His work. Such an all around hard year, but we're taking baby steps to a turn around together. I'll hold your hands if you hold mine, as cheesy as it sounds. We'll get there together.

      As Dave said "let's go"
      😉 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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