The Day I Lost My Mother

The following post was submitted by Alicia.  She gave it to Rara, and Rara mailed it to me to share with all of you.  Please read her words and leave her a comment of support in the comments, and/or send her a letter.  I’m going to print this post in a couple days and mail it to her, so anything you leave in the comments she will get to see.  Thank you.

On Feb. 26, 2012, I received horrible news that changed my life forever and my life hasn’t been the same since.

During that time, I was incarcerated at Glen Helen Jail.  I was working at visiting and the Chaplin came and asked if he could speak to me.  What he had to say brought my world crashing down around me.  He told me my mother had suffered a massive stroke and was on life support.  The stroke had left her brain dead and my family decided to take her off life support.

It was as if someone had taken the breath right out of my chest.  I didn’t want to believe it.  I just started screaming:

“No”
“No”
“No”

It hurt so much.  The pain was so hard to bare.  It was all so surreal, like a terrible nightmare.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t dreaming.  This was my reality.  It was really happening.

I called my grandma and she told me the doctor was about to take my mother off life support, so I asked my grandma to please take the phone up there to my mother’s room and put it up to ear so I could say goodbye, tell her how very much I love her, and how much she means to me.  But, my grandma couldn’t.

Everything happened so fast, so when I called back my grandma said “your mother is in heaven now.”

That was it, my last chance to say goodbye.  My mother was dead.  Never coming back.  I would never see her again, hear her voice, hear her laugh, see her smile, tell her how very much I love her, and tell her how very sorry I am for not being there for her when she needed me the most.  Instead, I was in jail, away from her.

I hated myself for not being there with her.

I lost the most important person in my life, the person who gave me life, the person who raised me, was there for me when I needed her the most.  I never felt so alone.  Because I had my mother, the world wasn’t as scary.  I always had someone who truly cared and loved me, who would always be there when no one else was.  But, now she is gone and I have no choice but to deal with it.  Stay strong.  Live for my kids and her, the way she wanted it to be.

I have to try to overcome all this pain, deal with it one day at a time, try to convince myself that I could survive my mother’s death.  Not let it take over my life and kill me slowly, because the pain consumes you, takes over your and kills your spirit as well.  You won’t know who you, what direction you are going.  You let drugs and alcohol take all the pain away, makes you feel numb so you won’t feel anything like I did for a couple of years, because it was just too hard.

When I got out, I felt so last and alone.  Nowhere to go.  But, as I sit here today, I am finally able to say I will be okay.  It will be okay.

I want to live.

I want to make my mother proud.

I have finally accepted my mother’s death.  Yes, it still hurts when I think of her.  I miss her all the time.  I even have a picture of her, I look at it all the time, and I don’t’ break down anymore.  But, the loneliness is still there.

Nothing and no one could ever take my mother’s place, but I will be okay.

I love you mother, with all my heart.  RIP 2-26-2012

…..

Broken Promises, Broken Dreams

Broken promises, Broken dreams
Never able to feel free,
Lost in this world,
In my reality.
I dream that one day,
I will be set free,
To truly know what
life truly means.
Deep in my heart,
I believe, that one day,
there will never be
broken promises or broken dreams.

…..

If you would like to contact me, please feel free.  I am in prison and it gets lonely in here:

Alicia Ann Chavez WF1190
CIW W/A 24 UP
16756 Chino-Corona Road
Corona, CA  92880

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12 thoughts on “The Day I Lost My Mother

  1. Alicia, thank you for sharing with our community. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m glad that you are going to be okay.
    I know that I was very naive about prison until recently, sort of just assuming that life “stopped” while people were serving their time, never considering the family and friends on the outside… Or, maybe I just thought that any disconnect was a deserved part of the punishment… Or, maybe I never really gave any of this much thought. All to my shame, of course.
    We should be better as a society to allow those in jail the opportunity to stay connected to their loved ones in times of loss, and in general, because it is those same loved ones who will be called upon to help you once you are out again. We should be better…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on The Matticus Kingdom and commented:

    Today on Stories That Must Not Die, we are honored to bring you the words of Alicia, an innate serving with Rara who has bravely reached out to our community to share a story of loss, strength, and resolve. Please head over and leave her a comment of RawrLove and support.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dear Alicia,
    There is nothing about losing a person you love that makes it easier. I guess, there are only things that make it harder, and I think you found one of those. But not being in jail doesn’t guarantee that you can be where you want to be. I lost my mother, my father and one of my sisters from afar. It sucked. I lost my other sister and made it to her side. But she was in a coma (I suspect your mother was, too) and didn’t know I was there. It didn’t really suck any less. I felt less guilty, I suppose. But it didn’t ease the pain. At the end of the day, she’s still gone.

    Singer/songwriter Jackson Browne wrote about how, at the end, no matter what, we are all alone:

    Just do the steps that you’ve been shown
    By everyone you’ve ever known
    Until the dance becomes your very own
    No matter how close to yours
    Another’s steps have grown
    In the end there is one dance you’ll do alone

    – J. Browne, from For a Dancer

    But you know, all those people I lost? They all know/knew that I loved them. They knew it when they were healthy, and alive and vibrant. Your mom was there for you, she loved you. I’m sure that your mother knows/knew just how much you loved/love her too. And you know what? love doesn’t die when a body does. Love is much bigger than that.

    I was glad to read that you are doing better, and I imagine that it is even harder to get to that “better” when you are in prison than if you were elsewhere. That tells me that you really are a strong woman.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Oh Alicia, you have no idea of the love you are about to recieve. I know many people here will write letters. This is such a touching story.

    I can certainly see how Rara and her became friends.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi Alicia. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It is never easy to lose someone who is close, and even worse when you can’t be there. I wish they would have allowed you to say your last words to her. What a travesty.

    I’m glad you are healing. When you are out, I sense that you will be the mother to your children that your mother was to you.

    Take care Alicia. Hugs…(and I’m not a hugger, much).

    Jaded

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Alicia…I hate it when something horrible happens to us, and a nice person says something like: “God never gives us more than we can handle” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I hate it because it seems so meaningless at the time. But later, we see…it’s true. I sense that you are a strong, and now stronger and perhaps bigger, person. Peace and love to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. The loss of a parent is the death of some part of your own being.

    However I also feel that even if they are gone they are with you in energy and blessings. I am sure if you are happy your mom will be happy too.

    Love and light to you

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life in March, so I know how just alone you can feel after a devastating loss. I’m glad you want to live. And you’re right; It will be okay even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.

    Liked by 2 people

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