The following post was submitted by Alicia. She gave it to Rara, and Rara mailed it to me to share with all of you. Please read her words and leave her a comment of support in the comments, and/or send her a letter. I’m going to print this post in a couple days and mail it to her, so anything you leave in the comments she will get to see. Thank you.
On Feb. 26, 2012, I received horrible news that changed my life forever and my life hasn’t been the same since.
During that time, I was incarcerated at Glen Helen Jail. I was working at visiting and the Chaplin came and asked if he could speak to me. What he had to say brought my world crashing down around me. He told me my mother had suffered a massive stroke and was on life support. The stroke had left her brain dead and my family decided to take her off life support.
It was as if someone had taken the breath right out of my chest. I didn’t want to believe it. I just started screaming:
It hurt so much. The pain was so hard to bare. It was all so surreal, like a terrible nightmare.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t dreaming. This was my reality. It was really happening.
I called my grandma and she told me the doctor was about to take my mother off life support, so I asked my grandma to please take the phone up there to my mother’s room and put it up to ear so I could say goodbye, tell her how very much I love her, and how much she means to me. But, my grandma couldn’t.
Everything happened so fast, so when I called back my grandma said “your mother is in heaven now.”
That was it, my last chance to say goodbye. My mother was dead. Never coming back. I would never see her again, hear her voice, hear her laugh, see her smile, tell her how very much I love her, and tell her how very sorry I am for not being there for her when she needed me the most. Instead, I was in jail, away from her.
I hated myself for not being there with her.
I lost the most important person in my life, the person who gave me life, the person who raised me, was there for me when I needed her the most. I never felt so alone. Because I had my mother, the world wasn’t as scary. I always had someone who truly cared and loved me, who would always be there when no one else was. But, now she is gone and I have no choice but to deal with it. Stay strong. Live for my kids and her, the way she wanted it to be.
I have to try to overcome all this pain, deal with it one day at a time, try to convince myself that I could survive my mother’s death. Not let it take over my life and kill me slowly, because the pain consumes you, takes over your and kills your spirit as well. You won’t know who you, what direction you are going. You let drugs and alcohol take all the pain away, makes you feel numb so you won’t feel anything like I did for a couple of years, because it was just too hard.
When I got out, I felt so last and alone. Nowhere to go. But, as I sit here today, I am finally able to say I will be okay. It will be okay.
I want to live.
I want to make my mother proud.
I have finally accepted my mother’s death. Yes, it still hurts when I think of her. I miss her all the time. I even have a picture of her, I look at it all the time, and I don’t’ break down anymore. But, the loneliness is still there.
Nothing and no one could ever take my mother’s place, but I will be okay.
I love you mother, with all my heart. RIP 2-26-2012
Broken Promises, Broken Dreams
Broken promises, Broken dreams
Never able to feel free,
Lost in this world,
In my reality.
I dream that one day,
I will be set free,
To truly know what
life truly means.
Deep in my heart,
I believe, that one day,
there will never be
broken promises or broken dreams.
If you would like to contact me, please feel free. I am in prison and it gets lonely in here:
Alicia Ann Chavez WF1190
CIW W/A 24 UP
16756 Chino-Corona Road
Corona, CA 92880