Ellipses

Today’s post comes to us from the dazzling Dani Heart, from AHeartOnTheMatter.com. Please lend your love, readership, and support her way.

(P.S. – Her blog just recently got a whole new look. I think it’s pretty wondrous, but be sure to let her know what you think of it, too.)

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Deep breath in….. let it out slowly.
sighs…

These moments WILL pass no matter how many came before or will come after.  They will all pass and there is always some good,  it’s just sometimes we have to look a little harder to find it.
(Mantra)

I struggle on and off with depression.

Since so much LIFE has happened to me over the years that would give anyone good cause to be sad, it is difficult to know whether it is environmental of systemic.  I also take medication that causes depression and I have had to change those meds at least once so far. I wrestle physically with a visual disability and a lot that makes life difficult each day.  Most of these things you would never know just looking at me.  That in and of itself is another difficulty because people don’t understand or have sympathy for what they cannot see in most instances.

Deep breath in…. let it out slowly… sighs.
repeat mantra.

These moments too shall pass. There is always good, we look harder to find it some days than others.

(The blogoshpere isn’t going to judge me for being human).

In 2008 when everything went to hell I found myself looking for a new job.  I had had a great job. I had been there for 5 years and like so many wasn’t fully aware of what was going on economically.  Our owner sold our community so we all had to move on. Normally this isn’t a big deal.  It sucks, but it happens all the time.  But add to it zero references (company policy) and the failure of the economy and voila…

Life happened.

The one person who agreed to give me a reference turned out not to be my friend, and unbeknownst to me at the time wasn’t providing a good reference.  Unfortunately for me I used this reference every time in the first two years I was looking really hard for a new job.  Sometimes when you misjudge or trust the wrong person it can cost you so much.  By the time I figured out the reference in addition to the failing economy was costing me jobs, I was so broken and beaten down from all the mistreatment and rejection that I had given up.

I stopped looking.

We were able to get by without me working, and I learned how we could live a lot more frugally and it was fine.  Except that all along I felt like a giant failure.  I enjoyed taking care of the home in every way, but I missed the money I made and the financial freedom it afforded  me.  I did not however, miss the daily grind of working.  So there was the quandary.

Life … happened again and now I needed to be gainfully employed.

So about 6 months ago I started to look again.  Slowly at first, there was no rush and putting myself out there again was painful and risky for me emotionally now that I was in a better place.  I faced some of the same rejection, but not all the callous treatment I had received before.  Jobs that I didn’t get usually notified me, which sadly, though that is what is supposed to happen, I found shocking because of how I had been treated previously.  What I used to do paid me more than double what the current minimum wage is now,  and that was the hardest obstacle to overcome because once any employer knew what I made before they wouldn’t  hire me for fear that I wouldn’t stay.  I had to get creative.  I did.  I only need to work part time now, so I re-did my resume to reflect what I was looking for.  I manufactured a reference (don’t judge) and a job so that it didn’t look like I hadn’t been working for 7 years.  Voila, I actually got hired for 2 positions and had to choose which one to take.  For the first time ever in all my interviews I was told my maturity was sought after and appreciated.  But then the hard part came, I actually had to go back to work after 7 years of not working. It turned out to be much harder than I had thought it would be.

The job I chose requires I stand my entire shift. I have always been fond of the restaurant industry. I like the fast paced nature of it and the fun interaction between the staff.  The first two weeks were so tough. My whole body ached every day to the point of taking Advil. It was scary though it shouldn’t have been.  Transitioning to a new schedule was difficult too.  Now like all working people I have to work everything I do around my job schedule.  My long awaited first paycheck I anticipated with glee, but was unexpectedly reduced to tears instantly followed by a complete meltdown.  There it was in black and white… proof of my failure, the amount of money being minuscule compared to what I used to make.

It took a whole day to adjust the kaleidoscope to obtain the proper perspective and pull myself out of despair.  I knew I was going to be making far less. I wanted part time work. I was starting over in an industry I hadn’t worked in for two and half decades.  I don’t need to make what I did before. I need time to do all the other wonderful things I do.

So I took a deep breath in… let it out slowly…
repeated my mantra…

I didn’t even have to look hard for the silver lining…

all is as it should be.  Some days are harder than others, but everything is falling into place.

I have a good job.
I like the people I work with.
I don’t need to take Advil every day.
I make enough money, and I have enough time to do the other things that are my passion.

The ellipses has passed.

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26 thoughts on “Ellipses

  1. Adjusting the kaleidoscope! You know I love colors as much as you do, so the metaphor hit home perfectly. I’m doing my share of adjusting today… thank you for the reminder that it’s worth it to try. xo.

    Liked by 4 people

      • Rational thoughts elude all of us at one point or another. “I’m not in a relationship that means I’m unworthy of love.” “I don’t make X dollars so I must be unworthy of success.” “I don’t have as many friends as Joe Smith so I must be unlikable.” It’s all in our heads, and we just need to remember that.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Dani…thank you so.much for sharing. Life after 2008 was/is a shithole..allies turned into enemies. My industry calls it a cycle…wordplay. I am so glad that you are overcoming this. I can’t thank you enough for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you Anthony. It was so good to meet you. I think we get very caught up in how society defines our self worth. I have always told myself that money does not equal success but it’s hard to believe when everywhere you turn the message reads otherwise. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jaded I think many industries have changed for the worse. In the industry I was in before unless you can find a private owner, the crap they pull is awful. But they have shareholders and that’s all they care about. I know a little about people you thought were your friends turned out to be enemies. It’s a tough world out there. We have to sow our own karma and let others sow theirs. Every day I try to be the best me and not worry about what others are doing unless it effects me directly. I’m sorry it’s been tough for you since 2008, you are not alone. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  4. You bring such a powerful message of positivity, Dani & I’m sorry I got here a little late to read it. My own life got a little turned upside down yesterday but as you said now “all is falling into place”.

    Thank you so much for sharing with us again. & For being brave. & For being you.
    Sometimes it takes courage just to get up in the morning. Don’t some of us know it. You are a fighter. 😉 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I need to return to the work force after being out for 7 years. Due to a invisible disability. I had the same concerns about how much
    I would earn and if I have the stamina to work just 20 to 30 hours a week. Your words are encouraging. I wish you much success.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dani, here’s the rundown on “worth”. I’ve known you for over three years. Never knew your income. Never knew your work history. Never knew what your vision tested out at. And never met you until last week. And never felt more encouraged by any human being, EVER in my life, than I have been encouraged by you! Your giftedness- and the gifts you have bestowed on all of us – transcends what can be quantified. Always has, and always will. Thank you for being my friend ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Dani you are so gifted in the writen word. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure there are lots of people who feel the same way. You make them feel like there not alone. That they can find hope in whatever ever life throws at them. I know you suffer alot.
    Yet you still are able to care about me. It means the world. I’m honored to have you as my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Thank you Lisa. I’m honored to have you as my friend too. I always hope that sharing does help other people. I know I have found solace in the stories of others and that has helped me. Life throws crap at all of us, but it’s easier to get by with a little help from our friends. 😉 xo

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Kudos to you Dani. I am very proud of you. For me, the most important is yo enjoy what you to, enjoy going to work everyday for the most part and enjoy the people you work with. That is do important, more then how much we make. The hours we work help also. I am happy for you. You have so much to offer. Your new employer is so lucky to have you as you are so dedicated and you pour do much of yourself into everything that you do.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you sweet Cindy. It is very important to enjoy what we do. Sadly I think there are many who are stuck in jobs that they don’t like and cannot find a way to part with the money they make doing it. I am actually very lucky. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. When so much of our life is spent at work to earn money, it’s no wonder that our self-esteem gets tied into the pay cheque. Just one of the many signs we have that shows how the world perspective has been changed, and how we’re trying to change it again with the words we write out. Love is way more important than money. Life is way more important than money. I think that’s all I have to say, really. Keep on living, and keep on loving. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

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