Today’s post comes to us from the dazzling Dani Heart, from AHeartOnTheMatter.com. Please lend your love, readership, and support her way.
(P.S. – Her blog just recently got a whole new look. I think it’s pretty wondrous, but be sure to let her know what you think of it, too.)
Deep breath in….. let it out slowly.
These moments WILL pass no matter how many came before or will come after. They will all pass and there is always some good, it’s just sometimes we have to look a little harder to find it.
I struggle on and off with depression.
Since so much LIFE has happened to me over the years that would give anyone good cause to be sad, it is difficult to know whether it is environmental of systemic. I also take medication that causes depression and I have had to change those meds at least once so far. I wrestle physically with a visual disability and a lot that makes life difficult each day. Most of these things you would never know just looking at me. That in and of itself is another difficulty because people don’t understand or have sympathy for what they cannot see in most instances.
Deep breath in…. let it out slowly… sighs.
These moments too shall pass. There is always good, we look harder to find it some days than others.
(The blogoshpere isn’t going to judge me for being human).
In 2008 when everything went to hell I found myself looking for a new job. I had had a great job. I had been there for 5 years and like so many wasn’t fully aware of what was going on economically. Our owner sold our community so we all had to move on. Normally this isn’t a big deal. It sucks, but it happens all the time. But add to it zero references (company policy) and the failure of the economy and voila…
The one person who agreed to give me a reference turned out not to be my friend, and unbeknownst to me at the time wasn’t providing a good reference. Unfortunately for me I used this reference every time in the first two years I was looking really hard for a new job. Sometimes when you misjudge or trust the wrong person it can cost you so much. By the time I figured out the reference in addition to the failing economy was costing me jobs, I was so broken and beaten down from all the mistreatment and rejection that I had given up.
I stopped looking.
We were able to get by without me working, and I learned how we could live a lot more frugally and it was fine. Except that all along I felt like a giant failure. I enjoyed taking care of the home in every way, but I missed the money I made and the financial freedom it afforded me. I did not however, miss the daily grind of working. So there was the quandary.
Life … happened again and now I needed to be gainfully employed.
So about 6 months ago I started to look again. Slowly at first, there was no rush and putting myself out there again was painful and risky for me emotionally now that I was in a better place. I faced some of the same rejection, but not all the callous treatment I had received before. Jobs that I didn’t get usually notified me, which sadly, though that is what is supposed to happen, I found shocking because of how I had been treated previously. What I used to do paid me more than double what the current minimum wage is now, and that was the hardest obstacle to overcome because once any employer knew what I made before they wouldn’t hire me for fear that I wouldn’t stay. I had to get creative. I did. I only need to work part time now, so I re-did my resume to reflect what I was looking for. I manufactured a reference (don’t judge) and a job so that it didn’t look like I hadn’t been working for 7 years. Voila, I actually got hired for 2 positions and had to choose which one to take. For the first time ever in all my interviews I was told my maturity was sought after and appreciated. But then the hard part came, I actually had to go back to work after 7 years of not working. It turned out to be much harder than I had thought it would be.
The job I chose requires I stand my entire shift. I have always been fond of the restaurant industry. I like the fast paced nature of it and the fun interaction between the staff. The first two weeks were so tough. My whole body ached every day to the point of taking Advil. It was scary though it shouldn’t have been. Transitioning to a new schedule was difficult too. Now like all working people I have to work everything I do around my job schedule. My long awaited first paycheck I anticipated with glee, but was unexpectedly reduced to tears instantly followed by a complete meltdown. There it was in black and white… proof of my failure, the amount of money being minuscule compared to what I used to make.
It took a whole day to adjust the kaleidoscope to obtain the proper perspective and pull myself out of despair. I knew I was going to be making far less. I wanted part time work. I was starting over in an industry I hadn’t worked in for two and half decades. I don’t need to make what I did before. I need time to do all the other wonderful things I do.
So I took a deep breath in… let it out slowly…
repeated my mantra…
I didn’t even have to look hard for the silver lining…
all is as it should be. Some days are harder than others, but everything is falling into place.
I have a good job.
I like the people I work with.
I don’t need to take Advil every day.
I make enough money, and I have enough time to do the other things that are my passion.
The ellipses has passed.